At this point in the school year, the first semester has somehow ended, and students move into the second half of the year. This means it’s time for report cards, and for you to figure out what to ask in parent teacher conferences.

Maybe you struggle with this because you didn’t love school when you were in it. Or you feel clueless – you love your kids, but when it comes to parenting, you feel lost half the time. Maybe you’ve had previous experiences with your kids’ teachers that left a bad taste in your mouth. I get it. 

But look- even the most shriveled up, soul-exhausted teacher took this job because they love kids and want to help them learn. It’s just that sometimes, in the revolving door of parents they see at conferences, that affection can get lost in translation. So how can parents make sure they’re speaking the same language as their child’s teachers, and connect?

I want to share with you the most powerful question you can ask at a parent teacher conference. The one I always wish my students’ families would ask me. The one I recently asked my own son’s teachers at the first parent-teacher conference where I sat on the parent side of the table. I asked this question right up front, and the conversation about my son’s strengths and challenges flowed so naturally from there, that his teachers declared, “This is the best parent teacher conference we’ve ever had!” Seriously. I know I got jokes, but this ain’t one of them.

Now, the question I asked might seem simple, but it was packed full of messages for my son’s teachers. In just nine words, I communicated my values and asked for action items, all while acknowledging their role and mine. So what to ask in parent teacher conferences? Here you go:

“What can we do to strengthen our student’s learning?”

That’s it. That’s what to ask in parent teacher conferences. So let’s break this question down one word at a time:

Can

“I want to focus on what is actually possible. A $500 tutor might be the trick, but we don’t have $500, so that’s not a real option.”

We

“There are no opposing sides here. The adults at home and school are a united front, working together toward the same goal of student learning.”

Strengthen

“I acknowledge that improvement is always possible. This can mean remediation or enrichment, depending on the particular circumstances of my child in this class. ‘Strengthen’ also evokes the image of learning as a muscle that grows stronger with work.”

Our 

“We share responsibility for this child. I recognize that a teacher creates a learning environment, introduces new material and provides some practice to encourage mastery. I also recognize that even though children often behave differently at home than they do at school, it is still my responsibility as a parent to reinforce and extend this learning at home. We are all on the same team: Team Kid.”

Student 

“We are focused on this child’s role as a learner. My child might not like this teacher’s assigned seating policy, but this policy is likely intended to increase student learning. If it isn’t helping to increase my child’s learning, I will focus on that part when I ask about the policy. We’re all on the same team, so I’m here to talk strategy for how to win. Also, my student is the person who needs this win, not me or their teacher. We provide the strategy, but our student must do the work that is necessary for them to learn.”

Learning 

“This is my ultimate goal, not high grades. I know that ‘How can I raise my child’s grade?’ or ‘What about these missing assignments?’ misses the entire point of school. Yes, college admissions counselors definitely care about grades, so they are important in that regard. But I know that when I strengthen my child’s learning, improved grades and completed assignments are a natural by-product of their effort. I want to teach my child that learning is a lifelong skill, and that their motivation should be internal (skill building) rather than external (grades or awards).”

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Try asking this question the next time you speak to your child’s teacher. Just make sure you’re prepared for the answer, because it’s going to involve your cooperation and your acceptance. “Our student,” right? The answer could be, “We have to get his behavior under control so he can learn” or “I think your daughter needs to be evaluated for a possible learning disability.” And those responses aren’t personal attacks: they’re introducing possible strategies for strengthening your specific, wonderful, lovable child’s learning. Because learning is what it’s all about.

Teachers, what are some other questions you wish parents would ask about students and their learning?